Remember that first flush when you had a crush on Scott Baio or Farrah Fawcett or in my case Bill Moyers? Before Instagram there were fan clubs and Tiger Beat Magazine … or PBS where you could swoon over your beloved and imagine your life together. They made you, in a word, happy.
Crushes actually don’t have an age limit or an expiration date. Even if you had a big fight with Love and banished it to the pullout couch, it is still safe to have a crush. Requitement is not a requirement.
This devotion does not enter obsession territory — there are no restraining orders or boiling rabbits involved. A crush makes colors more vivid and you feel more alive and concerned about your self-care. A sign is you wear make up to the post office, each of the eight times you visit every day hoping for a “chance” encounter. (In Sag Harbor the post office is the romantic epicenter of the village where your past, present, and future love lives merge.)
In this fantasy relationship you have all of the enjoyment and none of the risk, kind of like watching The Great British Baking Show instead of having to make your own puff pastry. It may be that the object of your crush is someone you consider “outside of your league,” too young or attractive or with a better IRA. Luckily it doesn’t matter because your crush will never see the copious amounts of wrinkle cream or enough depilatory kits to de-hair a golden retriever or ever question WTF is in all those Amazon boxes. You also will never be disappointed, the blush of new love ruined by the toilet seat being left up or the beloved’s inability despite five pieces of technology to ever be on time or proudly delivering a crock pot as a proper present. (Did you not learn the dangers from “This is Us?”)
Your crush can do no wrong – you will remark casually, “I am sure sideburns are making a comeback.” Their slightest attention sets your heart aflutter. You see them running to your car and motioning you to roll down the window only to exclaim, “Hey, your coffee cup is on the roof.”
I know those who have had a crush on me saw only my halo. None of them, unlike my IRL relationships, tried to figure out how the retractable horns worked. One very handsome man who was conducting a psychic training class answered a flirtatious student’s question for a tarot card reading, “Will we fall in love?” with the answer, “You don’t want that. Believe me.” Some relationships are meant for the ethereal and not the earth plane. The key to a successful crush is that you keep it secret so they are never put in the awkward position to turn you down.
I have had a crush on an electrician who will come to fix an errant smoke detector (I sense a metaphor here) or an Aussie restauranteur who has a penchant for photographing horses who always greets me a wink of a blue eye to a Scottish Outlander star who shares my love of dancing in a plaid skirt (en plein air shall we say) and no, no not Sam, Graham McTavish.
A crush keeps you perfectly mired in the present. You don’t have to worry about the future or search the past. This is because a crush is deeply rooted in your own personal psyche. It reminds you of your own capacity to love without fear of rejection or disappointment. You will never get his/her name tattooed on your a** because it’s not really about them.
Psychologists say a crush is healthy because it is a projection of a dormant part of yourself, a part burned or suppressed. When you are willing to venture into this territory in a safe way it feels like the first warm day when you can walk the beach barefoot. It stirs your soul.
It was expressed most succinctly to me from a Lebanese man in Rome in French when he said to me, “I am simply happy you exist.”
And sometimes, that is enough.
