The horny heiress is every woman’s worst nightmare. While she is splashed across the tabloids, she is also lurking as a figment of imagination in the corner of men’s minds. Without worries about money or work, she dedicates herself daily to feminine perfection. Her fantasy apparition tends to appear when you’ve just come home from a long day at the office and plopped on the couch in exhaustion, kicking off your sensible shoes and saying to your guy, “Whoo, my feet stink.”
Many relationships face challenges about sex and money, but the horny heiress has an unlimited abundance of both. For her, proposals are men down on one knee in front of the Lamborghini, not the thing she slaved over PowerPoint to present to a new business prospect. And worrying about her IRA is that sweet man who writes the musicals daddy loves so much.
Most women know that their libido is fed by rest, calm, self-assurance, and a tremendously good hair day. At the end of work or taking care of children, they absolutely fantasize about going to bed, but literally going to bed, in clean sheets with fluffy pillows and maybe a glass of pinot grigio and corgis surfing videos. It’s not that she wants to ignore her lover, it’s that her erotic gas tank is running on fumes, or maybe on its last electric mile without a charger in sight.
The horny heiress also threatens because she does not have to worry about money. For the rest of us, financial anxiety can be the number one buzz kill. And within a couple, how money is earned, spent, saved, shared, or not shared can either be in harmonious agreement or as a rather large and resentful elephant in the room snuggling in between the sheets. I have known men who might not have been the richest but had such a generosity of spirit that I always felt taken care of.
And I have known men with money who find any woman who might need something to be a turn off, and sit and watch her suffer. Being cheap can translate into stinginess in every other aspect of a relationship. There are men, and women for that matter, who enjoy taking but the better part of valor, and a happy union is among those who truly take pleasure in giving. It is a glorious win/win.
Luckily, there are men who do not fantasize about the horny heiress but instead prefer a woman of substance and intelligence and confidence to purse her passion and work hard for it. She is the most interesting woman in the room and walks on her own two feet (and also probably has a dog that walks on its own four feet). Money is an energetic commodity to achieve mutual goals and dreams. Sex, really, really good sex, is enjoyed because of trust and caring and attention and imagination and communication about the time and place where both can be at their best.
I love being with a group of trusted women friends, and despite sharing some daring escapades, hearing that it is actually the long-standing married woman who not only had the most recent but the most satisfying sex. (Yes, men, we do go into details.)
Perhaps it is women who are giving life to the horny heiress and feel substandard by their own comparison. As brutal as society can be, sometimes women reserve the harshest judgments for themselves. Maybe the trick is if, as women, we can make friends with the horny heiress. With all that time on her hands when she’s not perfecting her Toosie Slide TikTok challenge, she could go to pick up the most delicious vegan take-out, and entertain the kids at the park playing with her Shih-Poo, and help you master “smokey eyes for over 45.”
Because at the end of the day the horny heiress might toss off her Louboutin stilettos, grab a glass Chateau Lafite Rothschild, and sit beside you on the couch, nodding in agreement, “Corgi surfing videos.”
