Somewhere between attending a pool party to celebrate my son’s first Little League season, rushing off to the beach to meet out-of-town friends for an Aperol-spritz-soaked bonfire, hosting guests from Spain at our home in Amagansett, taking my daughter to her interactive class at Amber Waves Farm, and sitting in traffic en route to Sag Harbor to teach an in-person yoga class, it hit me … I’m exhausted. The lethargy weighing me down isn’t the kind of tired that comes from sleepless nights or having one too many margaritas at Coche. I’m socially drained. I’m small talked-out. After 15 months of limited social interaction, the pressure of having to be somewhere at a specific time and be “on” feels jarring. The calendar is exploding with places to go and people to see, and I can’t believe I’m writing this, but … it almost makes me miss the quiet of quarantine.
Pre-Covid, I was a social being who loved a reason to don a sundress, strap on some wedges and mingle on an expansive East End lawn while talking to friends and strangers alike. My cocktail conversation flowed as freely as the Wölffer rosé. Now witty repartee requires heavy lifting, and my brain doesn’t feel ready for the constant exertion. I’ve been feeling socially uncoordinated… even a bit – gasp! – lame. It got me thinking. After so long in isolation, am I out of social shape? I was chomping at the bit to get back into parties and restaurants once restrictions lifted. But have we all done too much too quickly? Should we have paced ourselves? I needed answers!
I turned to a friend who is a New York City-based psychologist with all these letters after his name: PhD, ABBP, ABPP, PC. I asked him: Can we even be out of ‘party shape’? Is that a thing? Do we need to build back our social stamina? Or can most party-goers just slide right back into a booming Hamptons summer?
“Social skills, when not used, can get a little rusty,” he confirmed. “Also, you have to remember 90 percent of communication is non verbal. We’ve been covering our faces with masks, and some of us have learned to hide behind them. Taking them off can make us more socially anxious for sure.”
Okay. Makes sense. So, what’s the best way to cope with this new anxiety?
“Graded exposure is key in anxiety reduction,” he told me. “The best way to feel more socially confident and competent is to see people and talk to them, and relate to them, and hang out with them. Little by little, you build back your confidence and ease.”
So reentering into our social circles may have left us socially fatigued, but we can gradually improve our mingling mojo?
“Yes,” he said. Rejoice! My social stupor needn’t last forever. Phew.
“You could definitely make the case that you just need to build the muscle back up,” he continued. “We need to develop our tolerance for that level of exertion. It may well be there is this initial anxiety about social situations that didn’t exist before the pandemic. After a long period of avoidance, when you re-engage, you have anxiety, which is a spurt of adrenaline. That means there may be a kind of state afterwards where you’re kind of shot. There could be fatigue as you begin to develop tolerance for greater, deeper, and longer social situations.”
I’m self-diagnosing my condition as Socially Spent and the treatment is RSVP reduction. After all, you wouldn’t give up running for 15 months and then try to run a marathon the first time you dust off your sneakers, right? You would start slowly and build back your endurance.
Another important tip? “Don’t forget to debrief after your encounters,” he said. “And tell yourself, ‘Hey – that was a good meeting! I forgot I can be funny. It felt good to be with those friends again,’ that sort of thing. You need take credit for changing your behavior and stepping out of your comfort zone.”
And now for the really good news. It’s OKAY to be anxious. Really. “The biology of anxiety is the same as the biology of excitement,” he said. “No anxiety is not so good. Too much anxiety is problematic. A little can facilitate performance. It’s galvanizing. It means you care. I tell my patients, ‘if they don’t make you a little anxious, don’t go out with them!’ Anxiety is a normal component of life. ”
So the goal isn’t to eliminate all nervousness, but to pace ourselves in this post-pandemic world. Yes, I know the ocean breezes are seductive and the strawberries ripening on the vine signal that party-hopping season is in full swing. But even the most resplendent of social butterflies needs to rest her luminous wings on a hydrangea bush every now and then. We mustn’t forget to balance our poolside rosé with a little time alone for reflecting and refueling. Then dust off those wedges, and take flight!
