If you had a great Valentine’s Day, meaningful and fulfilling with foreplay, home-made tiramisu, and conflict-free diamonds, congratulations… both of you. For the rest, realize that this day was not meant necessarily to be a crowd pleaser.
Legend has it that St. Valentine was a priest who lived in the third century in Rome. (He bore a striking resemblance to Kris Kristofferson.) Emperor Claudius II ruled with an iron fist and had great ambitions, which demanded large numbers of soldiers. He felt that men were reluctant to leave their wives and families for war so he decreed marriage to be illegal for young men. Valentine vowed to defend holy matrimony and continued to wed young lovers in secret until he was caught. He supposedly fell in love with his jailor’s daughter and left her a note signed “Your Valentine.” On February 14 in the year 269 AD Valentine was sentenced to execution consisting of beating, stoning, and beheading. Maybe not the history Hallmark cards would care to recount. “Hey love is crazy but don’t lose your head. Happy Valentine’s Day!” Aside from being the patron saint of young lovers, Valentine is also the patron saint of beekeepers and epilepsy. Pretty diverse job description.
Some say the Christian Valentine’s Day was invented to replace the ancient pagan festival of Lupercalia in Rome, which was held on February 15. It involved sacrificing animals, then men dressed as goats would run around the city with strips of leather from the hides, slapping women who hoped to have a fertile year. As vegan feminists shake with rage in their pleather boots, we remember that this was a time where the fertility of people, animals, and crops were essential to survival. Of course, a mass foot rub and a little CDB oil in the Coliseum might have been a much more pleasant alternative.
Different rituals of Valentine’s Day play out throughout the world. In Italy, young women would wake up before dawn and the first man she would see she would marry in a year. Finally, this idea was abandoned as milkmen, the Amazon Prime delivery-men of today, seemed to be populating the city centers.
In Germany, the pig is representative of luck and lust so a card with pigs posing in provocative postures would not be out of line and even make some tasty ginger cookies.
France used to have a Valentine’s Day custom called “une loterie d’amour” or a drawing for love. Single people would gather in houses across the street and call out to each other until they paired off, the love version of kick ball. The male suitor, if not attracted to his female partner would leave, and the deserted women who were left would build a bonfire and burn images of the men who rejected them while hurling curses and abuse. Apparently, this got so out of control that the French government ultimately banned the tradition in the 1950s. I don’t know. I think this could be a pretty hilarious moment in Sag Harbor if the singles gathered across from each other at Schiavoni’s and the American Hotel and started calling out. And hey, if the bonfire of female rage got out of hand, the fire department is right next door.
Where does all this leave us with the question of how to celebrate Valentine’s Day or thereafter? Maybe leave anything flammable, involving swine, or a felony out of it. Small gestures can mean a lot. You don’t need to marry the delivery-person but maybe say, “Hey, thanks so much for getting me my neck wrinkle cream in an emergency.” Being kind and loving doesn’t need to be limited to one day. We are living in a time where people are quick to anger and say negative things, so to honor our St. Valentine think about a small positive gesture to someone and maybe buy some local honey.
For all the lovelorn, please join me for the spoken word event at The Church in Sag Harbor Friday, February 17, for fantastic writers sharing their thoughts on love…. There will be wine, no pigs.
